Happy anniversary, baby. 2 years in the books, let’s see what history we can add tonight!
Your opening contest is an 8 man tag match (ugh). At least it can only get better from here. The Super Elite (Omega, Cole and The Young Bucks) are taking on the Super Friends (not their real name) – Christian Cage, Bryan Danielson, Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus.
Man, that Jungle Boy sure is something, huh? Alas, he is always on the losing side. Tonight was no different. It took some underhanded tactics, but the Super Elite got the win nonetheless. JB was the one who got pinned.
I was actually pretty disappointed with this match, more so than normal for an 8 man tag match. This was a bit of a sloppy mess. And not just because of all the extra bodies. A lot of the moves were poorly executed, some of them just blatantly missing the mark but being sold as a hit regardless. Considering how talented these 8 are, I expected a lot better. A least for a clean and technical execution of the moves. Very disappointing.
After the commercial, we came back to the fans chanting “CM Punk, CM Punk”. Instead, we got Moxley. Mumblin’ Moxley. I heard something about a ladder match, Philly being Mox’s city (I thought he was from Ohio?) and something about his 3 month old daughter being insane. I can relate to that.
And then it was CM Punk time. *copy and paste last week’s Punk segment here*. Actually, last week he had that great zinger on the WWE. This week, Punk opened with “Who is tired of this yet?”. I am. Apparently I’m alone in that regard though.
Punk gave us the option of buying as all Philly Cheesesteaks or watching him wrestle tonight. I want the Cheesesteak. Looks like he is wrestling though. I never get what I want. Punk v Garcia. Rampage. This week. Book it in and bring your own Cheesesteak.
Over to a Darby Allin-esque promo from Arn Anderson. He was setting fire to shit in a trashcan, on Cody’s lawn. It was oddly captivating and enjoyable. Arn tried to burn Cody’s tie and then slapped him across the face.
Let’s learn a little about Bobby Fish. The Fish. Here Fishy, Fishy, Fishy. The Fishster. The Fishmeister. Ol’ Fisheroo. I spent the whole segment making fish nicknames and I’m not sure what he said. Let’s see how he wrestles! Up next, Fish v Guevara for the TNT Title.
Sammy came true on his word and brought Fuego a new car. Aw. More importantly, he retained his title. It was a really good match. Much better than the opener. You’re alright by me, Fish.
Immediately after the bell rang, Dan Lambert and his cronies came out and jumped Guevara. He was outnumbered about 6 to 1, I think. Fuego took his sweet time to come to his rescue. And by rescue, I mean get his ass kicked too. Finally, finally, finally Jericho and Hager came to the actual rescue.
Then Lambert spoke again. Sometimes (always) I wish that I was in charge of writing the episodes. He issued a challenge for a 6 man tag team match. Ugh. After a technical malfunction, Jericho accepted the challenge.
The Acclaimed have a title shot this week on Rampage! Yes! Let’s get ‘em boys.
Tony Schiavone is in the ring with Aubrey. It looks like she is holding a new title belt. Could this be the new rumoured Women’s Championship? Can Tony start a sentence without using the word “also”? It’s like Excalibur with “but”. Yes it’s the new Women’s Championship. The TBS Championship. It looks much nicer than the TNT belt did when it debuted. The first TBS champion will be decided with a tournament.
JR is having a catchup with Darby Allin and wants to know his thoughts on the face mask scandal of last week. Excalibur claimed that things got intense, but Darby kept his cool, promising to destroy MJF.
Speaking of Allin, he is in action next against the monster of a man, Nick Comoroto. Comoroto didn’t last very long. It was over far too quickly.
Post match, QT jumped Sting from behind. It had no effect. It ended with QT on his ass, and Sting standing tall. With Darby.
Apparently the Dark Order have reconciled and have decided they are now a democratic union, and will not have one person making the decisions. Will it ever end?
Back to Tony, in ring with Dante Martin. Tony is literally just a microphone stand in these segments. Martin issued an open challenge to the locker room. Then the lights went out. Looks like Malakai accepts your challenge. A quick kick to the face and the lights went out again. When they came back on (almost 4 hours later), Martin had vanished. Wait, never mind. He was just lying on the floor. What the hell is going on around here?
The FTW Champion, Ricky Starks has the floor. Is he wearing pyjamas? Starks wants to challenge Cage to a Philly Street Fight. Cage beat the crap out of him pretty quickly after that. Hopefully we have that match to look forward to on Rampage this week.
Thunder Rosa wants the TBS title. So does Sky Blue (who the hell is that?). Ruby Soho wants a shot. Jade as well. Come on Rosa!
Hikaru Shida is hoping to win her 50th match in AEW, in her next match against Serena Deeb. If she wins, I’ll take her out to dinner. Seriously, Shida. Say the word and I will leave my wife and kid. I’m not even that attached to them.
What? She lost! I have to stay with my family? No!!!!! The humiliation continued after the match. Deeb continued to beat down the former AEW Champion. The commentary team built it up like it was a heel turn for Deeb, but I always considered a heel anyway.
Alex asks Darby Allin if he will accept a challenge for a match against MJF on Dynamite next week. Obviously Darby said yes. Then he got jumped by masked assailants. Presumably the Pinnacle. Poor Darby got the snot kicked out of him.
Lio Rush is interested in helping Dante Martin reach new heights in the business. Cool.
Tony wants to know Baker’s thought’s on the new TBS title. She is glad that the women have something else to focus on besides her and her title. She won’t be participating in the tournament, but will be “watching from the top”.
Time for the main event. The casino ladder battle Royale. Pac and Orange Cassidy were the first two in the ring. OC came to the ring with the Best Friends, all clad in 76ers jerseys. None of them had the balls to wear a Simmons jersey.
Andrade was next. He and Pac quickly went right at one another. I’m not sure where Cassidy disappeared to, but the match was better off for it. It wasn’t long until he was back and handled both Andrade and Pac.
Hardy was the next to join the fray, and he is certainly no stranger to a ladder match. Then Archer. Archer had a good 30 seconds in the ring by himself, in which he moved incredibly slowly, buying time for Mox to join the battle. Archer met him in the crowd for a brawl.
Finally, somewhat predictably, the Joker was Hangman, Adam Page. The crowd loved it.
Andrade took a pretty nasty bump, from the top of a ladder (in the ring) to land on a ladder on the outside. Ouch! Pac was then put through a table (also from the top of a ladder) by Hangman. Hardy then launched himself from a ladder to put Cassidy through a table. Tables, ladders and chairs, oh my.
With everyone down for the count, Hangman got himself the victory, earning a title match against his former partner, Kenny Omega. How poetic.